You can tell the veteran parents from the newbies. They're the ones rolling their eyes and laughing as someone states what they will never do as a parent. They're also the ones saying things like, "Hang in there...it will get...well, just hang in there" to their new sleep-deprived mom friends. They're too wise to state things will get better. Exhaustion is your life so buckle up and get a Coffee Perks Punch Card. You'll need it because you will be too poor to afford full priced coffee as regularly as you will need it.
New Parent: Registers for a wipe warmer, name brand clothes, and just THE CUTEST little headbands you ever did see
Veteran: Gets new parents a Nose Frida, burp cloths, and diapers because 80% of your life as a parent is cleaning up the bodily fluids of your offspring
New Parent: Buys books on sleep training
Veteran: Knows books on sleep training are not only ineffective, they waste important time that you could be sleeping to read it. You're pretty sure they're in cahoots with the energy drink industry.
New Parent: Makes baby food in the baby bullet using only organic vegetables
Veteran: "Give your brother a bite of your french fry."
New Parent: Buys expensive, research-based, developmental toys
Veteran: Turns on the ceiling fan
New Parent: Has baby strapped to them at Target
Veteran: Is strolling through every. single. aisle. at Target with a latte and sans kids. "Errands" are your escape. Don't bring your captors to your refuge, Rookie.
New Parent: "Don't let the dog lick her in the face!"
Veteran: "C'mon, Spot! Baby sister needs a bath. It was peas- your favorite!"
New Parent: Signs up for Kiddie Music, Little People Gym, and Story Time classes
Veteran: Hands baby a crinkly chip bag
New Parent: Gags when they get a little poop on their hand
Veteran: Didn't flinch when they had to clean the wall, bathe the baby, and shower themselves after a particularly difficult changing.
New Parent: Writes out schedule for the family
Veteran: Tells people, "I'll try to be there at 2:00 today but it could be next month before I see you. It depends on Johnny's mood when he wakes up. I'm going to try my best to guess the snack that won't send him into a rage but I've been wrong the last 3 days."
New Parent: "We have to sanitize all of the pacifiers in boiling water between uses and wipe them with paci wipes during the day."
Veteran: Found paci under couch, picked dog fur off of it, & popped that sucker back in
New Parent: "OMG. Little Billy rolled and bonked his head on the couch! I am the worst parent ever. Do we need to go to the ER?!"
Veteran: "Is it bleeding? A lot? Grab a band-aid, bud."
We could all learn a thing or two from them. Just don't ask in a text, unless you're asking for advice for your child when they are 3-4 months older; it will probably take that long for a response.
welcome to my mess
I've always dreamed of being one of those moms who makes Bento Box lunches with artisan sandwiches cut out into cute shapes along with carrot sticks and grapefruit that my perfect children will gobble up, but I am fairly certain my child is going to end up with a package of deli meat and a Snickers bar. I can barely get myself ready in the morning and I once screwed up a grilled cheese maker. Who knew the top part of the grilled cheese maker also heated up? Spoiler alert: everyone. I'm not sure who decided I was capable of raising a human, but they handed her off to me anyways and I love her more than I can begin to explain. However, love isn't magic--despite what Disney claims. I cannot suddenly wake up without 46 snoozes or manage my time well enough to have the opportunity to use conditioner in my hair. I'm still me. I just have a cute mini-me now. I have a master's degree in education and a participation award for adulting. Please follow me on my journey and give me a wave if you ever end up on the struggle bus with me. I also frequent the hot mess express, and I check my email on occasion. Wherever you run into me, just know I woke up like this. No, seriously...I didn't have time to do anything else.