Our lives have new meanings as a mom, and so do words.
Alarm Clock (Without Kids): The device that wakes you up
Alarm Clock (With Kids): The device that goes off 3 hours after you got up to remind you what your life used to be like
Blue Cup (Without Kids): A cup that is blue in color
Blue Cup (With Kids): The cause of World War 3
Party (Without Kids): An event full of booze and questionable decisions
Party (With Kids): An event full of boogers and WHO THE HELL GAVE HER A SECOND CUPCAKE?! We aren't going to sleep for a week.
Going Out to Dinner (Without Kids): A social event in which delicious food is consumed
Going Out to Dinner (With Kids): Shovel it in as fast as you can before someone needs a....too late. No warm food for you.
Coffee (Without Kids): A drink that is consumed on lazy Sunday mornings
Coffee (With Kids): Life
Friday Night (Without Kids): The night in which you put on your heels, go out with the girls, and drink all night
Friday Night (With Kids): The night in which you put your jammies on, curl up with your Netflix, and try to keep your eyes open until 8
Shopping (Without Kids): A leisurely activity often done socially with friends
Shopping (With Kids): Can I go without the kids? No? Can it be ordered on Amazon? No? Then we don't need it.
Jogging (Without Kids): Something done as a workout
Jogging (With Kids): Something done to keep your offspring from killing themselves. Stay out of the...! Don't touch the..! You're going to...!
Cookie (Without Kids): A sweet treat
Cookie (With Kids): Something grandparents give to get back at their kids for all the sleepless nights they had
The Cutest Thing Ever (Without Kids): Puppies
The Cutest Thing Ever (With Kids): Literally everything your child does
Being a mom also comes with some brand new vocabulary:
Mom Hand: When you cup your hands to catch vomit. Why? You don't know. They still got it everywhere and now you have to figure out what to do with that handful of vomit.
Poopocolypse: When your baby earns a bath and makes you consider putting your house on the market.... The smell may dissipate but the memory will last forever.
welcome to my mess
I've always dreamed of being one of those moms who makes Bento Box lunches with artisan sandwiches cut out into cute shapes along with carrot sticks and grapefruit that my perfect children will gobble up, but I am fairly certain my child is going to end up with a package of deli meat and a Snickers bar. I can barely get myself ready in the morning and I once screwed up a grilled cheese maker. Who knew the top part of the grilled cheese maker also heated up? Spoiler alert: everyone. I'm not sure who decided I was capable of raising a human, but they handed her off to me anyways and I love her more than I can begin to explain. However, love isn't magic--despite what Disney claims. I cannot suddenly wake up without 46 snoozes or manage my time well enough to have the opportunity to use conditioner in my hair. I'm still me. I just have a cute mini-me now. I have a master's degree in education and a participation award for adulting. Please follow me on my journey and give me a wave if you ever end up on the struggle bus with me. I also frequent the hot mess express, and I check my email on occasion. Wherever you run into me, just know I woke up like this. No, seriously...I didn't have time to do anything else.