Occupational hazards. Every job has them. Some more than others. There are a lot of things that I say and do as a mom and a teacher that I didn’t realize would be part of my life. At this point, I’m essentially a cheerleader for another human’s bowel movements (C’mon baby! You can do it! Get those yucky poops outta there!). And half of those times she gets that poop out right on mommy’s clothes. I’m not sure what the average number of blowouts are for a baby but... I have an overachiever on my hands. Harvard, here we come.
Here are some of the other fun things that come with our job descriptions:
-Wiping vomit off of you with a baby wipe and continuing on your day. Well, maybe throwing a little body spray on top of it if you’re feeling fancy.
-Kids sneezing in our face. Repeatedly.
-Wet shoelaces. Why are they wet?!
-The bathroom monitor in the boy’s bathroom coming out and saying “I have some bad news.” The terror that come over me after that phrase was indescribable...
-Sniffing another human’s butt in public.
-Catching vomit. With a trash can, with your hands, with your face.....
-Having a student crawl out under the bathroom stall and then give you a big hug.
It’s a miracle I haven’t had the plague. Unfortunately hazmat suits are out of my budget. I’ve looked.
welcome to my mess
I've always dreamed of being one of those moms who makes Bento Box lunches with artisan sandwiches cut out into cute shapes along with carrot sticks and grapefruit that my perfect children will gobble up, but I am fairly certain my child is going to end up with a package of deli meat and a Snickers bar. I can barely get myself ready in the morning and I once screwed up a grilled cheese maker. Who knew the top part of the grilled cheese maker also heated up? Spoiler alert: everyone. I'm not sure who decided I was capable of raising a human, but they handed her off to me anyways and I love her more than I can begin to explain. However, love isn't magic--despite what Disney claims. I cannot suddenly wake up without 46 snoozes or manage my time well enough to have the opportunity to use conditioner in my hair. I'm still me. I just have a cute mini-me now. I have a master's degree in education and a participation award for adulting. Please follow me on my journey and give me a wave if you ever end up on the struggle bus with me. I also frequent the hot mess express, and I check my email on occasion. Wherever you run into me, just know I woke up like this. No, seriously...I didn't have time to do anything else.